I have loathed Christmas for the last six years.
Not what it represents in the big scheme of things, per se - but I loathed what it represented to me. In my sphere. What it reminded me that I had lost.
My father died on December 27th, 2005. I loved my Daddy; he wasn't perfect, but he was pretty dang great. I don't care if you're 6 or 67, when a parent dies, you feel lost. Orphaned, even.
So, long story short - I've despised Christmas. Last year appeared to be on track to be better, but then Christmas itself didn't go well with O, and we were back to square one again. Apparently, if you move furniture and presents appear under trees, autistic three year olds don't give a rat's patootie if fat old men who are purportedly friendly brought them or not. No, they simply go upstairs and hide for two hours. Kinda takes the jingle out of your bells.
But this year will be different.
Perhaps it is the little boy who obsessively watches A Charlie Brown Christmas. Maybe it's the fact that he will occasionally bust out in the first lines of "Jingle Bells." It might be the walk I recently took through a decorator store in the town where my mom lives; it looked as if Christmas had gotten tipsy and thrown up all over the place. Every possible Christmas concept.
I left with bright holiday ornaments. From the kid-looking tree. Because that's how I roll.
Today, I pushed my buggy toward the Christmas section of Wal-Mart. I was part tentative, and part determined - this was going to happen. I looked at the wrapping paper (got some, thanks), and I admired the sparkles and twinkles on each aisle. And I left, excited. I can't wait to wrap my kids' treasures in that paper (thanks for the tip, friend - wrap them BEFOREHAND and have them under the tree so it's not inducing a panic attack). And most of all, I can't wait to celebrate the Savior with my kids.
I'm taking back Christmas. Even though it was never mine to begin with. I'm taking back the celebration, and the anticipation, and the Bing Crosby, and the choir practice, and reading Matthew - all of it.
1 comments:
We always used to set up an electric train beneath the christmas tree and let the kids play with it to their hearts content...then on Christmas Eve night Santa came and all the presents magically appeared when the kids got up. Even though most of the presents were not from Santa, the kids loved being overwhelmed by everything and no one ever bothered the presents before Christmas.
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